I know that I always say that I haven’t been able to actually sit down and type some stuff down on here, but in reality (well, I don’t really have a lot of time with college and stuff) I just haven’t really sat down and… thought. I’ve been keeping myself busy in order to avoid listening to my inner thoughts. I know this is something really bad, but whatever. I guess it’s my way of saying that I shouldn’t care and make myself believe that I really shouldn’t care about anything other than my education, which is probably the only thing that I can control right now.

So, it’s my second year in college. Sophomore status. However, this year it seems that I finally get that second chance. I  thought that when I first left home to come to JMU that I was given a second chance, but problems from my past followed me into my freshman year. I hate that. This year though, I have managed to completely eliminate certain problems because I know that it’s best for me. To let go of certain things and to let go of certain people. I’m not going to lie and say I have completely taken everything out that has come along with over the past few years, but I’ll say that I did take out one part that was damaging my well-being the most. There are still some problems that I have, but it’s okay right now. Just okay. 

And this is the end of my post that is updating you. You being someone that doesn’t really exist because I can honestly bet that no one even knows about what I’m writing, but I don’t honestly care. I prefer my own words to be out here somewhere then to just be stuck inside of me. So yeah, I’m going to try to continue updating this, but I am not making any promises that that will happen. We’ll see how long it takes for me to make another post.

Later.

I’m officially 19 years young :) Thanks to anyone who said happy birthday to me and if you don’t know me or knew that my birthday was yesterday, then fuck you. You should have known (totally just kidding). Anyways, this birthday actually seemed to be a little more comforting than others. For one, me and my family didn’t necessarily do much. They took me out to eat at Chili’s on Sunday and then yesterday my mother made some tamales while I took care of my nephew and later on my niece. Afterwards, my aunt Maria came and hung out with his; had some tamales. My sister came home from work and brought me an Oreo ice cream cake that was delicious. And… it was just comforting. I enjoyed it because I felt loved and comforted and just right. I guess something like this is what I’ve needed all along. However, more proof that I need to take out certain people out of my life came along. Not one of them said happy birthday to me or even remembered. I’m surprised one didn’t remember considering my birthday is the DAY after his. But whatever, I now know for sure that I need to remove them from my life. It will most likely make it 10x better.

Anyways, I officially start my sophomore year in college in 2 weeks, 3 days, 0 hours, 54 minutes, and 5 seconds (source: www.countdowntojmu.com) and I’m more than excited! Cannot wait!

Concluding this post, I’m very happy with the outcome of this 19th birthday and hope I have many more that are this comforting. And just wanted to enlighten everyone with a little bit of happiness that I’ve encountered yesterday :)

19 woot woot! (and only 2 more years until 21 *winkwink*)

<3 Deisy

So, I know I never get on here anymore and never talk about life anymore. I would LOVE to say that it’s because I’ve been busy and have this MAGNIFICANT life going on, but that would be a lie. Well for the most part. I mean, I’m either stuck babysitting my niece or nephew, helping my mom babysit both, helping my mom at work, or hanging out with my sisters which distracts me and doesn’t allow me to just sit down and type. I’ve decided to try and get back on track being on here. I’ve also decided to start something new (actually two things). I recently thought to myself: What the hell? Why not make YouTube videos? What’s holding me back? What’s really holding me back is what people are going to think about me. But the people I really worried about were in high school where I would’ve gotten made fun of if people saw what I really am like. But I’m in college now and have gotten to that point in my life where I couldn’t care less about what others think about me. I know that I’ve become a smart and independent woman and plan to be very successful with my life and if no one believes, well they can go to hell because I don’t plan on getting sucked into their own problems. I plan to live a very bright and successful life and I fucking damn will make sure that happens. I’ve had enough problems with my life up to this point and I know there will be plenty more in the future, but for now, I don’t plan on causing new problems for myself. With my coming sophomore year in college, I plan to have a completely new start. I plan to be taking out people in my life that should have never been part of it. And bring in new people that I really do want to be part of my life. I’m tired of having things from high school be all the stuff that bring me down. I’m finally growing the fuck up.

So, I haven’t had much time to actually sit down and write. I’ve been in college for a month now and have loved every minute of it. I remember people would always tell me that college was much better than high school, but I now know why. It’s hard to explain, but if you’re in high school and hate it, college will change everything, trust me. I didn’t really like high school but college has worked out for me.

Out of like 300 or students in my graduating class in high school, only five or so came here. Of those five, I’m only actually friends with three, one happens to live in the same dorm building as me, so it’s comforting. Although, I didn’t know she did until like last week.

So move in day. August 23, 2011. A Tuesday (the most random day of the week).  I unpacked, met one of my roommates (we’re in a temporary triple). Her names Sarah. My other roommate we met later, Jennifer. They’re both fun to be with and enjoy being with them. I also met my suitemates, which are the ones that live next door and we share a bathroom with, Rachael and Taylor.

The first week was just orientation and I got to know the campus, met more people, and saw what college had to offer. That week was actually really long for me, but I loved it. First day of classes went okay and everything went fine.

I had my first exams/tests today. Physics and Calculus. I’m almost sure that I failed my physics exam, but my calculus wasn’t too bad, I think.

So enough about school and college. My social life has gotten better. Obviously leaving my hometown did give me an opportunity to start new and I’ve met some really awesome people. My past  still haunted me the first few days, so I had to cut completely everything with Brandon. We haven’t talked in two weeks. I’ve never felt so much stress being lifted off of me. Calvin hasn’t bothered me either. Quincy is still there, but he’s just always been there and I never realized until now.

Well anyways, I just thought I’d give everyone that was reading this an update. I’m fine. I’m still alive. And surprisingly, still happy! :) 

Okay, so I went through my Tumblr and noticed that most of what I was writing about was about teenage relationship drama that I know every single teenage girl goes through and most like no one wants to hear me rant on about how my life sucked. I also saw a few posts when I was super depressed and had suicidal thoughts every five minutes of everyday. All of that was real. Everything. I did fall in love with two different people and I’ll just go on about them two for a little bit.

Brandon.
Yes, I did honestly fall in love with you. But the whole reason I started dating you was to get over my other love and the love I felt for the other guy, is nothing compared to anything I have felt. You’ve been the best boyfriend anyone can have. You proved over and over that you love me and I know I broke your heart when I said it was over. I’m sorry. I’m truely sorry because you never deserved any of this. I don’t deserve you. Someone else will come along and be the perfect and best thing ever, but it’s not me. I’m sorry and I do love you.

Calvin.
I loved you. I still do. But I need to get you out of my life completely. In a matter of 3 years, you made me fall head over heels for you. With my on and off thinking of wanting to be with you because you made everything so fucking difficult, but I still did love you. And all I wanted was to be with you. Even though you treated me like crap, even though we never alone, even though you said you were a bad boyfriend; i still loved you. I’m horrible with first moves and I thought we were meant to be, but I recently saw your true intentions. You stood me up, and then you sen me that one text that changed everything. And now I’m here making up every possible excuse to never see you again. I’m not texting you. I’m not facebook-ing you. Nothing. I’m done.

Anyways, I kept the postings up of what really mattered and what didn’t involve any annoying drama. A year ago, I found myself in state of confusion and vulnerability. I hated everything. I hated my life, I hated everything around, I just hated anything that had to do with me. I realized it was because of so much loss I had experienced and not knowing how to deal with it. I had a journal/diary that had more vivid explanations of what was going on in my head during times when I would slit my wrists. I had pages with actual blood stains because I remember sitting on the floor, crying, with a broken mirror against my wrist and blood running down. I wanted everything to end. Recently, and I honestly think it was thanks to Brandon, I overcame that. I’m a survivor of mild depression and high-risk stage of suicide. I hate that I wasted my time there and couldn’t find a way out, but I’m glad I did. I know am looking forward to going to James Madison University as an undergraduate Freshman. I just want to start completely new and this is the perfect opportunity. I guess that’s another I got out of my depression because I knew I was going to get out of this hell hole. I know no one will ever read this, but there here now on the world wide web so anyone can access them. I don’t care. I just needed to vent and let out everything. I know that all the other posts I posted are also still out there, but I don’t care. I just didn’t want them to be a part of this new page I created. Thank you for your time. Later.

P.S. My birthday’s next week! :)